Instead, I spent hours reorganizing my digital calendar, making travel plans, and cleaning out old files. Not because they were urgent, and not because I needed to catch up. I told myself it was admin work but deep down, I know exactly what it was: a coping mechanism.
I’ve done enough internal work to recognize the pattern. Organizing is how I seek control when something in me feels unsteady. It’s my way of calming the noise when stress kicks up. So I had to stop and ask myself: what’s actually stressing me out?
The answer came quickly: online visibility.
Lately, I’ve felt disconnected from the way visibility works online. I don’t feel at home on Facebook and frankly it’s pretty antiquated. Instagram feels too curated, too loud, too full of half-truths and constant performance and advertising. And even though I have things to say, I’ve felt myself hesitating to say them. Not because I lack clarity but because I feel oversaturated with social media noise and underwhelmed by its inauthenticity and depth.
So I turned to organizing. Not because I was procrastinating, but because it helped me feel more solid in a moment where I didn’t know how to be efficiently visible and still feel grounded.
This is what most people miss about avoidance. It doesn’t always look like numbing out or staying in bed. Sometimes, it looks like being “productive.” It looks like cleaning, planning, tweaking, editing…anything to create a sense of order when your inner world feels uncertain.
And this is especially true for high-performing women. We’re praised for our discipline. We’re admired for our structure. But sometimes, those very strengths become hiding spots. We don’t avoid because we’re checked out. We avoid because we’re trying to find solid ground in a space that feels too loud to land.
I’m not afraid of being seen. I’m just not interested in performing.
Today was all about holding up a mirror and realizing that I was using structure and admin tasks to soothe my internal chaos. And through being busy with something other than the real thing I had scheduled, what I was really doing was feeding a deeper need for anchoring and stability.
I reached for the thing that always makes me feel in control…organization.
But clarity doesn’t come from control. It comes from honesty. And for me, reflection through writing and voice notes is how I get honest again.
If you’re someone who hides in productivity, who defaults to “doing” when you feel internally off-center…this is your nudge to pause.
Ask yourself: What am I actually trying to stabilize?
And is this task I’m doing helping me feel anchored enough to progress forward to completing the real task – is it a stepping stone, or just keeping me distracted.
You don’t have to abandon structure.
But remember: stability doesn’t always come from tidying up the outside.
Sometimes, it starts with naming what’s actually going on inside.
